Eyebrows

Some people will undoubtedly question the legitimacy of this post but some things are too good not to post.

Penguins can sit on thier feet for hours

I've received several disparaging e-mails regarding the status of this blog. My friends, who tend to lean towards hyperboles have said things like "your not on my favorite list anymore!!!" and "the only good excuse for a non-posting is finger mutilation or hospitalization!!!" and my favorite "you suck!!!" note the excessive use of exclamation points. While I'm flattered many have noticed my absence their request have brought about this somewhat squeezed entry. There is just so much to tell. We'll start with the recreational.

New toy yes, well i succumbed to the yuppie craving for the white dangly ear phone look. I'm pleasantly surprised at the ease of use and capacity for one of these things. It has reinvented my music collection. two words. ear candy folks. ear candy.

New book and new book. The former was a little slow to start but the plot is thickening up nicely. The latter gripped my attention from page one and weaned about 3/4 the way through as i can only take so much literary trauma, but history isn't made by playing nice.

Wedding planning. Won't. even. start. but since it is the catalyst for the entry i must confess it is an educational experience.

Tuxedo shopping. I have but one requirement: no soon-to-be-bride may be in the vicinity. The Best Man (from this point on referred to as BM, for several reasons) and i hit the standard tux shops utilized by prom goers nationwide. The first store adjoined David's Bridal (the hellish Mecca for everything matrimonially wicked. Their staff, incompetent beyond measure. their overpriced taffeta selection: equally useless and lastly their clientele: eeevviiillll) right. too many people and only requirement broken. My bride-to-be suggests going to a bridal boutique (already i hated the sound) where she got her dress as we can get a discount. So BM and i lug it up to the shop upon the guarantee that the said requirement is impossible to break. "it's in another section, completely away from brides" i was told. "you want even see a woman" they said. Upon entry all looked as i was promised. Queue tuxedo selection process. Progress was made, there was even laughter. The sun shone brightly through our window until...monster bride. My immediate description may lead the reader to assume this is a overtly obese woman wrapped tightly in white. Not the case, she was extremely thin with with unwashed hair all akimbo and teeth that matched her gums. Frightening, none the less.
We heard her coming, the rustle of the fabric, the horse-like clop, and the shrill "i want to see what it looks like in the sunlight!" Spectacular. The damsel rounds the corner headed straight for the window, in the tuxedo aka man area. This was the largest dress i have seen in my life. Granted i've not done much bridal garb shopping but still. I estimate she would need an aisle the width of a 4 lane highway to ensure guests remain unscathed by the passing bride. Sequins everywhere and white everywhere. After waving to those outside, "like a live model" she realized she was in the man area and decided to pick our something for her future husband. (At this point let me just say i don't believe she had a future husband) She runs (not walks) to the vests, grabs the first is sight and screams "THIS IS PERFECT!!" and proceeds to break down in tears. Not a little trickle but sobs. I hated her. Our sales associate politely tried to redirect my attention to the different vests but i just couldn't do it. I went for the manger who assured me this was a testosterone friendly zone. it seemed quite hostile with all the estrogen oozing. Erin is the manager. i like Erin.

me: "Erin, what is this?" while i pointed to the lilth fair gathering in man area. "Where's the electric fence/tazer gun/cattle prod? even a stick will do"

erin: "I know. that one got away from me. I deflected 2 others to different windows but she got by. She's weird anyway. She's been in every day for 2 weeks. i don't like her." i see her rustling behind the desk and comes out with A Wedding Story. "I'll take care of it"

I return to my seat, the women are still hugging and crying. i can't find BM. He's lost in one of the many layers of beast bride's dress. I hear Erin luring them away with said video. Excellent. Queue return of sales associate.

SA: "How many bridesmaids?"
BB: "well 2, that is if Christina would be willing"

Ah hell. Christina was her unknowing friend. MORE tears and hugging and excited talking STILL in the man area. They finally left and BM and i exchanged relieved glances and finished our business. We left the bridal boutique with much haste and on the way out the door caught sight of best bride. She was sitting on the floor with her entire wedding party's attire. The groom, the mother of the bride, mother of the groom, flower girl, kitchen sink and all. I still get chills thinking about it.