medium starch, please except, not on the collar

"I'll keep my eyes peeled," as a child this both confused and disturbed me as "peeled" implied taking the skin off of something like bananas and potatoes. Something clearly not practical for the human eye. What is the relevance? you ask. good question. the fact of the matter is that i've got very little to talk about, this of course is only compounded by my lack of posting the past 2 weeks. Therefore i've decided to declare this mega-post week. Not necessarily in the sense of an abundance of entries but more in the content (look i've even made the effort to italicize something) of the entries. Back to the peeling. Let's take a trip to when i was a wee lad of 14 or 15 and a little incident i had with a potatoes peeler.

Setting: New Years day (again, i don't know which year). Family kitchen. late morning. steam billowing from the tea pot as "Auld Lang Syne" softly plays in the background. The family is gathered in a joint venture to prepare the German feast complete with sauerkraut (which i hated and still hate) and other motherland goodies.

Me: **I'll start the potatoes, mom doesn't like peeling the potatoes so i'll do it for her** (By the way this implies i was thinking and not speaking)

Mother Unit: Noticing work, "hey thanks son. i appreciate that. i don't like peeling potatoes. do it THIS way. (as she says thus she begins to show the "proper" potatoes peeling method. work is returned and i demonstrate my quick learning skills) yes, much better."

Father Unit: Doing something else in the kitchen. perhaps cutting meat or Black forest cake. "hey! your peeling potatoes. great. thanks. do you want to eat the turkey heart?" (gratuitous comment-every dining experience when an animal is roasted/baked/rotisseried/deep fried my dad always asks "who wants to eat the heart/kidneys with me" the family now ignores the request but he continues to ask and he and the closest K-9 usually partake)

Me: "No. dad that's gross."

Father Unit: "are you sure? your loss you know. PETIE! (family dog at the time)"

I'm now peeling at a furious pace. Potatoes are piling. I've gone through two bags when...

Me: "oops. ow. crap (or insert other youthful expletive of your choosing as i probably did)"

Mother Unit: First sensing something wrong. "what happened? are you ok?" (to be read in a mildly panicky motherly voice which we all know so well)

Me: gripping thumb with bloody paper towel "yeah, i'm fine. i cut my thumb pretty bad"

Mother Unit: "Let me see" unwraps paper towel and pulls at wound (i'm grimacing) "yeah you've cut it pretty bad. i can see the bone! FATHER UNIT!"

Father Unit responds in typical husbandly fashion by eventually strolling into the kitchen with poultry organs on his breath. note: dog is happily trailing.

Father Unit: "what happened? yep you cut it pretty good. you'll need stitches. hey! i can see the bone!"

Me: "ok well who's going to take me to the hospital?"

Father Unit: Your Mother

Mother Unit: Your Father

note: to be read simultaneously. Nervous yet dutiful glances exchanged and a discussion about who was going to take their bleeding son to the emergency room for stitches. This lasted for 30 minutes when dad finally lost to the "best out of 10" paper-rock-scissors decider. Meanwhile i'm bleeding all over the kitchen. I've used an entire roll of bounty (it was then, and still is, amazingly absorbent) paper towels and starting using Crisco to slow the bleeding.


Queue hospital trip, stitches and we're back in time for sauerkraut. curses!

the first earthling in space was a dog

I've officially started my own animal rescue league. This may seem a little odd considering i don't particularly care for animals, especially cats, kittens or anything resembling the entrails of a lint trap but it was a cold night. i was reading and drinking some warm autumnal beverage (cider or cocoa-you pick) when i heard, what i assumed to be the dryer squeaking as it rushed my clothes into warm fluffy goodness. Side commentary: i love my Kenmore washer and dryer. we have dates, this laundry equipment and i. never dull, always fulfilling. yes. i love them. back to the non-squeaking dryer noise that interrupted my reading. not the dryer. i had the door open as i had baked something and the house was a blazing inferno of cookie-scented air. my ears perked, i leaned (fell out of my chair) and limped to the balcony whilst i peered into the night. When what did my hawk eyes see? a kitten. black. headed for the treacherous street. dilemma. warm beverage or kitty on the curb of death? beverage or curb of death? then without another though i threw my head back gulped the recently boiling substance and ran for the door while blister formed on my tongue. i made it to the street just in time to save the little black cat and began my noble return (with cat in hand) back home. When

neighbor: hola, you save the kitty?
me: yeah he was going to get hit
neighbor: i know, his brother and sister is in my back yard. i called animal control. they won't come to pick up 3 cats. they say they have enough.
me: you have two more kittens?
neighbor: yes in the back yard.
me: (again without thinking) i'll take them to the shelter tomorrow.
neighbor: you want the kittens? come in. please!

They let me in the backyard where i found 2 more. A white kitten and another which looks like the normal gray cat with black stripes. My neighbor handed me a clothes basket and told me she didn't need/want it back if i took the animals out of her yard and off of her hands. The black one and his white sister went in with out a problem. the gray one was mean. so we had a discussion and i won. I felt good. i felt baronial. until i got home and thought "what the heck am i gonna' do with three kittens?" so i began calling my friends. i'm pleased to report the mean kitten (which turned out to be the most endearing) was adopted by a wonderful cashier at the local crunchy-granola supermarket (i bet you didn't know they had supermarkets). the other two i'm sending to a friend who loves animals in the Seattle metro area. She doesn't know i'm sending them but i know she'll love them. Don't worry i bought the legal envelopes so they would have more room. It was hard to get them in with all the adhesive, fur and claws but they are on their way.