Goldfish are disgusting

Here it is Wednesday in the District of Columbia. I've been keeping my eye out for humorous events surrounding my daily life but have been somewhat void of metro encounters, animal infestations or even interesting gym members. I need to diversify. So I'll pull from the ol' archives and mention a little fiasco i encountered on I-95 northbound 2 weeks ago.

First of all it was vacation. i spent an ample amount of time finishing a book and starting the new book Side note: i'm still reading the "new book" mostly because i've started reading other classics in an effort to expand my literary horizon. ANYWAY, vacation was great. Mostly because i wasn't at work. Fast forward to my Saturday afternoon departure. I pack up and head out. After several hours of uneventful driving i reach the much adored I-95 corridor in Northern Virginia a.k.a. American autobahn. My fellow automobile operators and i were traveling at a steady clip (this is to imply above 85) when i heard a great song and started singing like an idiot directly into the drivers side window lest anyone see me singing like an idiot. this of course detracted from my ability to closely monitor my speed. So i passed a green Chevy impala GREEN and a mini van filled to the brim with soccer balls, only a driver and soccer balls (weird). "cops don't have green cars" was my first thought as the lights began to flash. the other thought i won't disclose for censorship purposes. I know i was speeding. exactly how fast i couldn't have said. The cop approached my window laughing. this is bad.

Chuckles the cop: "doyeu (yes one word) know how fast you were goin'?"
Me: Smiling because the cop is smiling, "no sir, not really"
CtC: "i clocked yeu goin' 'round that there van at 93. yeu know what the speed limit is?"
Me: "no sir"
CtC: "sixty fahve. you have somewhere yeur tryin' to git to?"
Me: feeling honesty is the best policy. "no, i'm having dinner with some friends. i have no good excuse"
CtC: "looks like yeur gonna' be late"

The typically license and registration were exchanged and he waddled back to his GREEN cop car. I have often wondered what exactly cops do once they have your license and registration as i feel they take enough time to research my family's genealogy. he finally returned with the standard sheet which i needed to sign. Which i took time to read over slowly (mostly because he took his sweet time) and so i could see how much this was going to cost me.

CtC: "yeur due in court for reckless endangerment"
Me: "oh, i see. and when would that be?"
CtC: "November 17"

So i went on my merry way figuring i would just show up to court, pay the fine and go back to civilization. Until i did some research which indicates that Virginia equates excessive speeding with getting loaded and behind the wheel. Which spurred my to seek representation. The maximum sentence is one year in jail and $2,500 in fines oh and a revoked drivers license for 6 months. Stupid. stupid. stupid. still my fault but stupid.

Please, take me off speakerphone

It has been a busy weekend in this gesticulator's world. For those who don' t know and officially for those who do...i'm engaged. I'll give you each a moment to collect yourselves and rub your newly bruised jaw. Sudden. Rash. Quick. are all one worded questions to which i reply yes...and...well no. I have been the typical man in the sense that i have run from object (sometimes an actual item and sadly another person) to object searching for meaning and fulfillment. Commitment has been my worst enemy to which i have finally formed an alliance. The love i have for this woman may be surprising but it shouldn't be. She is the reason i was made for marriage. She is the hope that i have for tomorrow. She is the Grace i need to survive. I consider myself fortunate for her love ,for it has been patient and it has been kind. I am a very lucky man and she is certainly in for a very wild ride.

Update

Man-6, Mice-0

I did have a dear friend tell me that copulating rats bear a minimum litter of 6 ickle rats. Gross. Hopefully mice aren't potent reproducers as their larger relatives but i consider two full days (and nights) of empty peanut butter baited traps to be a pretty good sign that man is really master over all animals. Good thing too. i was on the cusp of purchasing some kind of rodent modulator. Cat or snake. This is a difficult decision as i sincerely believe these were two animals are demonic manifestations of evil. Happy Monday (or whatever day the unfaithful choose to read) everyone.

Eat MY soy sauce will you?

Much has happened on my two week sabbatical from blogosphere. I have so many stories but i'm going to start with the most recent and most disturbing. Surely you remember the aforementioned infestation I was experiencing. Though i found no evidence of an attic dwelling rodent i did find tracks of something eating my secret stash of Chinese food condiments. Not only was the drawer void of the citrus flavored wisdom cookies but it had mouse "leftovers" covering everything, inlcuding my prized farm scene trivets. This sent me into a mild panic-like state at 8:30 while preparing dinner. I first emptied the draws directly into the trash can while simultaneously dousing bleach and 409 into every corner of infected space all while muttering incoherently about the repulsion i felt at my new house guests and my disappointment with the disappearance of Asian American sauces. I wanted to define the scope of this infestation and wildly began searching cupboards for signs of their presence. I am disappointed to report that the mice have spread. Action must be taken. I took a trip to Safeway for mouse traps (or is it mice traps?). These are not the traps your daddy used. no, these traps have large palates shaped like cheese (brilliant) and boast a "no bait" guarantee on the package. I wanted to up the ante so i slathered the ever-dependable peanut butter all over the pedal of death and prepared to set the traps. This was the most difficult task. There were four traps. I have 8 peanut butter scented wounds this morning. Though my fingers were pained i had increasing confidence in their [mouse/mice traps] ability to destroy rodent life. I strategically placed the spring loaded, peanut butter tempting ruinators of evil and slept peacefully knowing i would have possession of my sanitary cabinetry once again. Fast forward to morning routine and fade kitchen lights on queue memory of traps. i timidly opened the first drawer expecting a furious animal to leap at my jugular. no leaping animal only a clearly functional mousetrap. 1 down. Next drawer, same fear. 2 down. Next cabinet. The trap. is gone. Nervous laughter ensues as i envision the mice have now formed an alliance and my life is at stake. After some fearful shifting with a pair of tongs i find trap. 3 down. Trap 4. empty but i feel victorious, proud. this must be how a hunter feels when he returns home with a caribou slung over his shoulder. I reveled in my success until i saw a flash of gray dash under the stove. great. I'm shopping for 8 traps tonight. hopefully I'll be able to type tomorrow.

I knew it, i just knew it

The proof is the pudding