iodine and stethoscopes

I've heard of these near-death experiences. Typically they are but a quick moment when one is thrown from a high speed vehicle or doubled over by chest pains. The tunnel, the bright lights, the family reunions yes mine have lasted two days. Now before you chortle I must assure you of my seriousness. Some might call my current ailment a "head cold" or "autumn bug" or even "sinus infection" but i insist it is much worse. It all began with a little headache which i successfully ignored but it spread to my eyes, nose and throat and is currently inhabiting my lungs. It is a quick spreading vile disease which continues to siphoned my reasoning and processing abilities. I don't believe it is safe to operate heavy machinery like my car and toaster which means i've been walking to work after a cold breakfast. I am one of those people who doesn't really care for medicine either. But let me be clear i'm not one of those don't-go-to-the-doctor-because-i-believe-Jesus-will-heal-me types i'm more of the don't-go-to-the-doctor-because-he/she-has-cold-hands-and-always-makes-me-turn-my-head-and-cough types. Last night however i trespassed against my personal convictions for physical purity and purchased Sudafed Sinus Nightime. I took the said over-the-counter pill while eating chicken and rice soup and a cup of hot tea. I intended to sit down with the not so new book and was shocked when i woke up on the kitchen floor wrapped up in my throw rug with my head propped on a spatula. They weren't kidding when they claimed to be fast acting. I did encounter an unmentioned side effect when i woke up from my chef's nap craving copious amounts of chocolate. I ate an entire bag of chocolate chunk brownie cookies and 3 glasses of milk. I hence proceeded to head for bed for and finally made it after waking up on the stairs, in the laundry room and ironically enough on the bedroom floor. It was the most spectacular medicinally induced coma i have ever had. But i don't feel any better. perhaps I'll take two tonight...and wake up Monday

I've always liked the smell of gasoline

As anyone who works in a budgetary environment knows the end of a fiscal year is a dubious time. Money is quickly shuffled to deficient areas and sometimes, only sometimes, there is money remaining which must be quickly spent so the budget gods don't decrease your spending amounts the next year. This prompted my particular department to buy me one of these. Forget staples and hanging file folders I need something that will provide me with the safest rest i've ever had. I might add it is quite a lovely addition to my office suite. It is nestled in the corner next to my fern and fax machine. Since it was designed to withstand hurricanes, tornados, nuclear fallout, gun fights and deviant criminal seeking to take life and home I feel my locality to the White House is much less dangerous. I found this so comforting i bought a second for my house. The setup is simple they simply deliver and assemble right in your home or office. All you need is a electrical source and viola! you have instant peace of mine while you slumber. I do have a few reservations which i have sent to the creator of the Quantum Sleeper which i have included below:

Dear Quantum Sleeper Geniuses,

At first i was skeptical at my need for such an elaborate sleeping system but now that i can refrigerate, re-heat leftovers, watch a great flick, listen to a new CD or even chat with my truckin' buddies on the built in CB my reservations have been completely removed. Needless to say i love it. I didn't know how many nights i'd wasted to worry about natural disasters and criminals but let me tell you, i sleep like a pea safe in its pod. I do have a few quick question that i need some clarification/assurance. The first is where is the bathroom is this thing? i found some plastic bags and a diaper genie in the corner but surely you've figured a way to incorporate a safe plumbing system, i mean you guys are brilliant. Secondly i realized there might be a problem with your idea when my cat tripped over the chord and unplugged the dern thing. I nearly suffocated! I got to thinking that powering the Quantum Sleeper via an outlet might not be the best idea. Natural Disaster typically knock off my power and a murder/abductor need only unplug the machine and wait for me to run out of air. I noticed to that mine will protect me from a flood. While i don't live in a flood zone i'm comforted to think that if anything like The day after tomorrow happens i'll be safely submerged in my make shift submarine! What a relief, especially with all of the hurricanes we've been having this year.
Furthermore, I would like to know if you have these available for animals. I love my cat, Hestia (her brother Zeus died earlier this year-God bless his soul), but i'm also allergic to her so she can't stay in my nuclear fallout shelter but i'd hate for her to be ripped away by the next cat burglar. Anyway, i just wanted you to know you have one happy customer here.

Yours Truly,
The Creative Gesticulator

i can't find my pet lizard's leash

The weather of late has been quite autumnal. i love that word almost as much as i like the cool sunny afternoons and brisk moonlit nights. I have seized the opportunity to drink warm beverages and sleep with the windows open. I have not a complaint about the warm liquid goodness i call hot chocolate but the open windows...there are crickets in my front yard. Actually a yard lends to the image of sweeping green with meticulously crisscrossed mow job and i have no green expanse, some might actually refer to it as a weed patch but at least it's mine. Right. so the crickets have colonized outside my window. at first this was a charming reminder of the sweet summer nights when i sipped sweet tea by the sea. that quickly fades and I'm left with a growing sense of irritation with nature's little orchestra members. I've heard that when a cat is doing something you don't want it to do you spray it with water. I've applied the same technique to the swarm/flock of Acheta domesticus in the hopes they would get the hint and move on. no such luck. So i bought a lizard, actually it is a decoy lizard but it looks quite life like. It is the size of a miniature dashund as to dissuade the larger crickets from setting up for the night outside my window. Again, no such luck. I swear i almost heard them laughing at me and my scarecrow reptile. They woke me again and as i was determined to sleep with fresh air in my lungs i implemented my super secret plan. I rolled out of bed, wrapped myself in a blanket, grabbed a flashlight and a towel and went searching for the evening perpetrators of peaceful slumber. The pavement was cold to my bare feet and i was tip-toeing with my flashlight not making a sweeping search. too obvious. these were smart creatures. more sporadic light positioning was in order and utilized. My beam of light zigzagged across thier area and they went on business-as-usual i knew i had the advantage of surprise. I went in swooping my towel while screeching like their most fierce predator, the mocking bird. I did this until my neighbor got home and asked what i was doing in his front yard. in my underwear. with a towel. and a flashlight. screeching. I told him i was tired of Jiminy's shenanigans, turned around and went back inside.

To what do i owe this pleasure?

Look! now you can make your own Wetlands diorama complete with stork and water. School projects have never been so easy. Granted this i fairly basic but for the serious diorama builder i would have to recommend this. Ok I've never read it but there are 14 reviews each declares it is a jewel of a book one even ventured to call it the "Modeler's Bible" that's a pretty hefty declaration. Not too much to report on the home front today. Hence the drab post. my apologies. Though my metro rides provide ample blogging material i feel as though it gets a little old. I could retell my attic roommate searching experience as it was certainly blogworthy. Ironically today is the first day I've been able to type with my right thumb and index finger. I've composed a list (again) of items one would need to find any living thing in their attic:

1. Ladder. not a barstool as i used/broke. There is no logical reason to pull myself up into the rafters when something could attack my face upon entry. This is not Mission Impossible although i think i could give Tom Cruise a run for his money. Anyway, item of the first. ladder.

2. Baseball bat/wooden spoon/revolver. Have you ever tried to do a pull up with a baseball bat placed precariously in the waistband of a pair of gym shorts? unsafe. i had to break out (no pun intended) the smelling salts for the witness to come around. The ironic part of the entire ordeal is my friend also joined me in the attic. Again i don't know what i would have don't if we found something. we're more apt to fight computer generated enemies not roof dwelling rodents. Neither of us had a defensive tool unless you count the insulation that lay at our feet and I've never heard of a raccoon extraction with fluff...

3. Ladder. I believe one it would have been more helpful to make the descent if i had the assistance of a ladder. Instead me and my Mission Impossible II friend wouldn't have had to hurl ourselves out of the 9 foot ceilings onto the ground. Honestly we look like we murdered a mattress. Covered in fluff and our own blood. It was ugly but fortunately no one broke anything.

I can't say we actually found anything or evidence that life existed but it was fun to look. On a completely unrelated item i bought one of these and i must say it is more hazardous than any rodent reconnaissance mission I've ever been on. THIS is blogging material all i have to say is that the plastic surgeon assured me no one would ever notice, he'd done the procedures thousands of times...

I'm going to buy a baseball bat this weekend

I have a new roommate. Now we haven't actually met yet but i plan on meeting them tonight. Hopefully all will go well, i'm a little nervous because i don't live too well with others but i have a good feeling about this one. A little sporadic, you say? well yes. I was innocently playing a game when i heard some shuffling/screeching. i attributed this to the game as i was playing the undead and they make terrible noises. I didn't think much of it until i paused the game to get some nourishment when i heard something like a box of hammers falling down a fire escape followed by the opening and closing of the front door. I must confess i jumped a little. I paused the game (again) and went to find the perpetrator. I looked in closets and under beds and even a few dresser drawers. nothing. Then i thought "if i find something/someone what am i gonna do?" I didn't have an answer so i stopped looking and put "buy a baseball bat" on my "to do" list. I stood in the hallway puzzled when i heard it again. above. my. head. the attic! Now i don't have one of those handy pull-down-the-stairway-and-climb-into-the-heat kind of attics. i have the hole-in-the-ceiling-that-takes-creative-maneuvering-and-a-witness-present-to-explain-exactly-what-happened-to-the-insurance-agency kind of attics. Since i had no witness i decided to put off the investigation but the noises continued. There is a light switch that controls the light bulb in the attic. When i heard the next bucket of tools noise i flicked the lights as fast as i could so that the vermin might have some kind of strobe light seizure and would settle down. The technique worked because i heard panicky scrambling and then silence. Kind of creepy so i thought nothing of it and went to bed. Tonight is the big reconnaissance mission me and a buddy (actually it will probably end up being his wife) plan to march up there and demand the first months rent and establish laundry rights.

Grocery Shopping

There are some people in my lifetime (or after if necessary) i would like to meet.

People i'd like to meet:

1. Mother Theresa
2. Madeline Kahn
3. The president (no particular party, just the president)
4. Big Arm Woman She cracks me up.
5. Mimi Smartypants Also cracks me up.
6. Philip Yancey So i realize the picture makes him look like the guy who painted mountains but MAN can this guy write.
7. Dr. Paul Brand I'm amazed at this man's life. Inspiring really.
8. Any member of Fraggle Rock

There of course are more to this list but i'll save them for later as i'm sure your tired of clicking on the links.

I traveled to Texas this weekend and learned a lot. It seems my Yankee self is quite contained and needed broadening. Well I consider myself broad. I learned that something you don't like is called "a hump a dump" and when your about to do something "your afixin' to do/get/go" and miscellaneous other slang sayings I'll pepper in with my random blogs.


I've composed another list (what can i say? i'm in the mood) of things about flying:

1. Lavatory soap. There are several things i love about it. The first being it doesn't sound like your even using a bathroom. it's a lavatory. Airline vocabulary impresses me. I like the smell of this soap. it may be my olfactory glands are effected by the altitude but i've always loved the way the soap smells. i envisioned myself, luffa in hand, enjoying said scent but was upset when 1) the soap isn't removable and 2) the flight attendant looked at me as though i asked to open the cock pit door.

2. I always manage to sit closest to the screaming child, "that child" at the airport. This child, accompanied by her parents whom i've dubbed Snake and Delores. They gave the child a sedative because she stopped screaming and slept for the entire flight but Snake and Dee had it out the entire time. Screaming and cursing at one another while the child slept in a safe medicinally induced coma.

3. Middle seats. Just. Middle. Seats. hump a dump.

The rain on the plain in Spain is rarely wet

You know i've been kind of sullen about my lack of material to blog about lately. though i've been looking for humor in every area of my life i have been coming out empty. My muse was a skinny mule of a drunk man on metro on the way home from my beloved job.

*Chime* *Chime*

Metro Lady's voice: Doors Opening

Aforementioned mule of a man stumbles on behind a group of young women

Mule: Man! I don' t know whyshl you girlsh wear all that perFUME and tight clothsh and not expect men to be attracted.

Object of affection politely grimace while man looks at her stupidly

Mule: I mean, sh$#. You dress like that scho you can attract a man (note: he didn't say man but editing and all)

Object of affection: shirking backwards while looking at the ground

Mule: I bet a girl likesh you would never *hiccup* be interested in a man (again didn't say man) like me.

Object: saying nothing, clearly uncomfortable

Mule: (reaches for wallet and yells) I'll give you $1,000 to come home with me! you think i don't have money (can't find wallet so he's frantically putting his hands in all his pockets clearly confused when he meets resistance).

Object: finds empty seat while still looking at the ground.

Mule: MAKE IT $10,000! (locates wallet, upset because no money is in said bovine currency holder) sh$#

Gratuitous commentary. This is rush hour. The train is packed and this encounter has taken center stage. No matter how hard I'm trying to read the new book i just can't pull myself away from the action.

In steps the protector. The protector was in his 30s dressed in a large gold button T-shirt, black pants and was carrying something that looked like a torture device.

Protector: (while stepping in between the 2 foot space between Object and Mule) man leave her alone, she's my sister.

Mule: (obviously VERY confused) he's your sister? (recovering from error) she's your sister? (directing attention to object) you his sister?

Object: Glances, says nothing.

Protector: Yes, now leave her alone.

At this point there is some quiet conversation that no one can hear (because we were all straining) except for the rumbles of an eruption

Protector: THAT'S IT MOTHA' F$&*ER! I'M GONNA' BEAT YOUR A&$!

Mule: My A&$? Why would you do that? I'm just a drunk lookin' for a pretty lady.

Protector: Oh no your not! come with me!

The mule follows and the arena is set for the fight to occur. Please note the train is in motion. At this time all those in that section of the train have vacated and are all standing where the first altercation occurred.

Church Lady: What's the matter with you boy (speaking to the mule)? Are you drunk? I'm gonna' renounce that spirit of evil! Where is my anointing oil?

Crowd of other church ladies: That's right! Amen! (i don't know if they all knew each other or not)

Church Lady: In the name of Jesus Christ i rebuke you devil to leave this man alone!

Crowd of CL: Amen and Halleluiah

Me: This is awkward and funny.

The spirit of evil did not leave the drunk man so the mule and the protector began to scuffle. I stopped looking because i didn't want to be a witness in a murder trial.

*Chime* *Chime*

Metro Lady: Door's opening

Church Lady: Come on baby I'm gonna take you home and take care of you.

Mule: No way! This ain't my stop. Leave me alone.

Doors close. More awkward silence

*Chime* *Chime*

Metro Lady: Door's opening

Mule exits train, stands on platform and watches train pull away. All still on Metro car exchange relieved glances when the protector appears again.

Protector: I've got a gun. I'm not a cop but i have a gun. While showing us his gun he says "I've been hired to protect people of DC, Maryland and Virginia (he doesn't say for who or where but...). I'm not a cop thought but I've got a gun."

Me: OOOOOHHHHHKKKKKK, and i moved away from the gold non-cop protector of peace grateful that my stop was the next and final stop.