Applianceland

As every major city resident/worker can tell you there is always, always construction going on somewhere.  The Department of Treasury is no different.  This ancient building, completed in August of 1836 still appears much as it did 168 years ago.  The information age has showed that the building was incapable of housing cutting edge employees without central air and computer wiring.  Which means RENOVATIONS.  So I'm moving into a new office tomorrow.  Today I stepped out of my office to use the bathroom and returned to find a refrigerator, completely stocked in my office.  Similar to a collegiate ice box this comes complete with wood grain veneer and questionable scents.  *Nostalgic moment*  Imagine my excitement when  ventured to the bathroom again (hey I drink a lot of water) and returned to find a microwave and a funny warm-tuna-and-rye smell wafting around.  As much as I like the smell of reheated fish I had to draw a line for the guy who opened up a bag of sauerkraut and a package of cheese filled bratwurst and threw it in the convince cooker for 3:14.  It is important to note that I have never seen these people before in my life.  Ok, I've seen them but only in passing and never contextually.  The majority are attorneys which baffles me.  All this eating healthy stuff hasn't been feeding my brain I've been feeding my body.  Thus I have included the following into my developing book called "The Litigators' Love handles-An eating guide to a healthier happier brain":  processed cheese (preferably Velveeta logs), tub-o-gummy worms (refrigerated for prime nutritional value), any canned meat, tuna, salmon, chicken, shrimp or anchovies (content must be emptied, heated and applied copiously to cracker-like items).  I feel it important to note that this diet is only consumed by the aged lawyers.  The younger svelte models eat according to the food pyramid AND workout.  Which give me some hope for now I'll eat my sauerkraut topped Chez-its and ponder the difficult economic structures of Finland. 

Another reason for me to stay as i am

So i'm reading new book.
I am thoroughly convinced everyone should read classical literature at some point in their life.  But for those of you who don't really like to curl up with a dead author let me bring you up to speed on some of Leo's short stories:
 
Family Happiness:
 
Young wealthy woman finds herself orphaned only to fall in love with her deceased father's best friend.  Wonderful romance in the countryside ensues cut to marriage.  Marriage begins while living with mother-in-law.  Honeymoonish phase continues until our heroine grow tired of the smell of cows and wishes to venture into St. Petersburg.  They depart for their home in the city where young woman falls madly in love with urban lifestyle.  Pseudo Russian Cinderella story (minus step sisters and singing mice) she attracts the attention of the Prince of Russia and several other men but her alliance is strictly to her husband.  Husband gets jealous, fighting, crying, and confusion follow.  They return to the countryside where she frets about lost love.  Touching moment on balcony where he informs her their love isn't gone but changed, enter children and contentment enters the hearts of the family and reader. 
 
The Death of Ivan Ilych:
 
The story of a prominent man's death.  Pages dedicated to his pain and misery and hatred for his wife.   Throw some family history: new jobs, insufficient funds, tasteful affairs with notable brothels and a man with an eye for decorating.  A dash of weird servant guy paid to hold his masters feet in the air all night and you've got the jist of the story.  This little short story is hailed for its insights on death and dieing and particularly what had been accomplished in life.  Having never been close to a painful death or marriage I don't really identify but certainly appreciate the effort put into the account of Ivan's last days. 
 
The Kreutzer Sonata:
 
The Russian version of the high school football captain and the head cheerleader get married only to realize they hate each other and live their lives inflicting as much agony on their spouse as possible.  The story is told by the miserable husband who confesses very early on that he has killed his wife and has lost all he has in order to protect the dignity of his name.  The story unfolds from marriage to children to his wife's illicit affair with her violin teacher.  It all culminates in a fit of rage where he beats her and then stabs her.  He prepares to commit suicide but can't remember why, he's then called to his wife's bedside where the reader (and husband) hope for some peaceful resolution.  none is found and he is left to live the rest of his life realizing he killed his wife in a jealous rage.  The sacredness of marriage and the impalpability of "love" is constantly thwarted by this cynical old man.  I'll indulge you with my favorite portion:  When speaking of mutual attraction and love the murderous husband interrupts with "No sir it can't!  Just as it cannot be that in a cartload of peas, two marked peas will lie side by side.  Besides it is not merely this impossibility but the inevitable satiety. To love one person for a whole lifetime is like saying that one candle will burn a whole life." 
Wow.  This bachelor has another reason to remain as I am. 
 
Overall my field trip into Tolstoy has been a little vociferous expression on the agony of married life.  As I've already mentioned I'm in no position to judge.  I can't even find anyone willing to marry me in order for me to grow weary of wedlock. 

One foot of evil

This is a compelling story that has completely upended my irrational fears. I am fallaciously terrified of snakes. Even those "educational" channels created to teach the world about the "value" and "importance" of serpents is enough to send me into a gasping fit of panic. I don't want anyone to think I'd get up on a chair and scream for my life but it takes at least one hour for me to place my feet on the ground without getting chills. Spiders have never really bothered me. This doesn't mean i like them it just means i'm not likely to run off a cliff if i see one. Here is the story of an arachnid that caught a 12 inch snake in it's web, killed it and then sucked its blood. I don't know what is more intriguing about this story. Its occurrence or the fact there was an assembly of men who sat by to watch this all happen. No doubt it would have been a memorable experience, that will be passed down through generations perhaps even turned into a children's book to inspire young ones but wasn't anyone thinking "perhaps the web won't hold and the snake will get out and lunge for my jugular/eyes/groin?" The article mentions no weapon by which to whack/hack the serpent had it gotten away. I'm reminded of a LOTR moment when our hapless hero wanders into Sheila's layer and finds himself caught in a monstrous web. If it wasn't for some discovered Lembas bread he might have suffered a similar fate.
Some research on the house spider has revealed that they are only "mildly dangerous" and their bites can be "treated with a cold pack." I'm disturbed by several items on this website the first and foremost is that it even exists. Of course there are people who are wholly devoted to studying spiders they are called arachnologists or idiots. The Buckeyes have some interesting information (and pictures) that is certainly adding to my newfound paranoia regarding these arachnids. Bottom line: if it sucks blood, shoots or injects venom, slithers, walks on "4 pairs of legs" or can catch something 1,000 times its size...I don't like it.

There must be something in the water

It has been 29 days since my last post. You would think that means I have PLENTY of material to comment on. Much has happened locally and nationally that is certainly worthy of comment. The interest rate hike is dull, the handover of power is a little to politically charged for my tastes, Bill's book, Hilary's possible vice presidency, Bush's NATO summit...again too much of the ol' donkey and elephant for my playful insights. My life. The subway, the new book or the new book(these two have quickly turned into some of the best literature I've read in a while. Highly recommended). A weeks vacation in the outer banks-boy was I RED. The kind of burn you might expect to see in hospital wards. 3 bottles of aloe and oversized clothing brought me through. AND I got my new layer of skin 5 years early.
Other than that I've got very little. Somewhat uninspired almost...I need a muse. Something that makes me want to point at the world and laugh. Instead I have a friendly plea for those who attend my gym:

To the members of the gym:

I ask, for reasons of personal taste, hygiene and the overall good of humanity that certain apparel be left for alone time. Such items include jock straps (men and a few women), a one piece you wear overtop of biker shorts (ladies), and anything made of lycra and/or spandex. Now we at the gym understand many of you are working to recapturing the body you had in your teens and twenties but it isn't necessary to wear the same cloths you wore during those time periods. This may come as a shock but spandex is not a material that hides pouches or crevices nor should it be used as such. It may be comfortable, though we don't know how, it may "breath" better or even allow for a greater range of motion but the cost is just too high. Furthermore if you must wear the aforementioned items we ask that, at least in the locker rooms, you would wrap a towel around yourself while changing. Yes we are all adults but this isn't a high school locker room. There are men and women who must return to work and may find it difficult to witness a 300 pound man in a jock strap bend over to take a drink at the fountain, and still eat.
In addition we ask that you take the provided towels on your training session. There are some who don't like to use soggy equipment. If you are an excessive sweater we ask that you 1) wear deodorant, 2) wrap towels around the most sebaceous glands (we realize this may turn a few of you into the Michelin man but consideration) and 3) wipe everything down with disinfectant when sliding off machinery.
Our goal here at this gym is to provide the people with the tools they need to live healthier more productive lives. Please work with us to achieve our goal by wearing complying to your best ability.

Thank you,

Gym Management