animal crackers in my soup

So where in the world have I gone? Nearly two weeks of silence has led me to this climatic entry in my blogging world. I don't even know where to start. Last week I went to sunny southern California for work. terrific time. I could tell you of the drunk driver who drove me from LAX to my cozy downtown hotel room. I could tell you of my Hollywood experience at Gromm's Chinese theater or I could tell you of $90 KFC...instead I will tell you of today.
It is Monday. Cloudy, overcast, blah kind of day. Most people who know me might describe me as "obsessive compulsive" or "anal retentive" while I feel these are a little harsh I will agree I can be slightly particular. One thing I am obsessed with are surfaces. When I see a dirt surface I must clean it. Regardless of propriety. It must be wiped down and shimmering in soapy cleanliness before I can relax. It boarders on manic really. Lately I have been waging a bloody war against ants. I have a townhouse. The kitchen is on the second floor. The ants have created a farm in my CD player on the counter in the kitchen in the second floor. I'm always very confused when I wake up. I'm never sure where I am and I never know what I'm doing. I can't tell you how many times I have tried shaving with my tooth brush or using hair gel as deodorant. So when I stumbled to the kitchen for an early morning refreshment I could not figure out why the crumbs were moving. At first I thought I had just eaten Oreos but I didn't have the Oreo-euphoric smile. Wrong. The colony had spread and wasn't expecting me. I quickly reacted by whipping out my bottle of 409 and soaking the counter thoroughly. Side note: 409 cleaner causes ants to shrivel in 1.6 seconds. I love this stuff. After successfully smearing 5,452 ants across the counter top I showered. Fast forward to lunch.
Busy day. up to my eyeballs as I like to say. I grab a quick salad from a reputable dining establishment in northwest DC. I leave, salad in hand, and halfway to the building a torrential downpour ensues. No umbrella. SOAKING wet. I grateful slip and slide into the office where I start to devour the salad. One leaf is inches from my mouth when I notice something...small...on the leaf...a lady bug. Coated in Caesar dressing, legs in the air. right. I'm too hungry to care. so I go on. my left eye has since swollen shut and I can't hear out of my right ear.

Pass me the Ketchup, will ya?

This post has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with condiments. Actually it doesn’t even mention the food items you might apply condiments. So HA. Yes well it's monday in the windy city, no i haven't moved but as of late a stiff breeze of 37 miles per hour has been blowing through the streets. Daylight Savings Time. All i need to say, ok it's not, i have a theory. We should just move up an 1/2 hour and stop fooling around with the clocks. I have no idea how to reset my automatic fish food/waterer. My poor little beta might just die of starvation or thirst because of this inconvenient event. So what witty/insightful/sardonic look on life could i have with one hours less sleep and wind swept hair? Not much. I'm glad i made it home actually. I feel bad for anyone finding themselves with the unfortunate task of walking a dog today. Anything that urinates outside, on a day like today, will find it hard to return indoor stainless. Believe me i tried. So to all of you dog walkers, street walkers, and car shoppers (i needed a third one) i salute you, up wind of course.
Can i just say one thing, really quick? This is one of the most disturbing things i have ever read. This reminds me of the time a bat got loose in my grandmothers house during Thanksgiving. The cousins were screaming while Gram went to find something to catch it with. She came back with a 12 gauge shotgun. After much debate we convinced her it was a bad idea to “shoot the sucker down,” if for no other reason than spoiling the farm-style meal she had spent days preparing. Gramp came into the room with an equipment bag full of sports stuff. He doled out the various racquets/baseball bats/croquet hammers/balls dutifully. All he said was "Now don't break anything of your grandmothers," as he handed us the objects by which to capture this interuption. I was in charge of “startling” the creature: the job for the family idiot. So I climbed atop the heirloom piano while coaxingly/soothingly saying things like “we don’t want to hurt you, we just want to put you outside” yeah right. Gram was out for blood. Someone handed me a wooden spoon to provoke this rodent with wings. I poked and it flew at my face. I woke up to the sound of screaming and cursing. Apparently the bat returned to its pre-provoked position in the corner above the piano. Someone pulled me up by, handed me a tennis racquet and told me to get back in there. I won 15-love when I got the bat into the pillow case without even touching it.

Some things just aren't safe

Like rain. Not the rain itself but the responses it elicits from those caught in the storm. The first hazardous item, umbrellas. These are the most unsafe concoctions man has ever developed. Cloth stretched over pointy sticks to keep off the rain. I understand the functionality but surely someone must think of a new way to repel unwanted water. I work in the city. Every day i walk down the street with 1,000s of people. On a rainy day each of these people carry an umbrella taking the necessary space allotted for one person from 2 square feet to 4-10 square feet (i swear some of these people bring their patio umbrellas for protection). This makes it very dangerous for people who tend to be slightly taller, me. So i bought protective eyewear. These babies kept my occuals nice and safe from the barrage of pointy umbrella ends.
Another non-safe rainy day event. The subway. Traffic tends to be terrible when any precipitation falls causing more people to leave behind their Personal vehicles and commute side by side with other Washingtonians. The ride to work was somewhat uneventful. I had a chance to do some great reading in my new book. Terrific. Fast forward 9 hours to the commute home. I arrive at the station to see thousands of people waiting for a train, not uncommon, it's rush hour. Now i began to worry when i didn't see any trains picking up commuters, only dropping them off. Yes so my desired train arrives and several people pour out of the cars where we all politely wait to board. Many, many people get on. We are packed in there. My particular train looks like this, minus the cherubim and British novelties. Yes. So. The train lurches forward and everyone shifts together, we're all having a good time, until the next station. At this moment there is no more room. anywhere. The next station, no one gets off (presumably because no one can move) but 3 people get on. Great. The doors start to close and a distinguished looking man dives into the car. The doors have closed on the man. Half of him in, the other out. The force of his impact sent shockwaves around everyone's mid section, putting some of us in compromising positions. The doors reopen and he is now fully in the car receiving very angry glances. We continue on, 6 more stops and it weans down. I'm now standing next to some military guy reading. Fine. Until he goes flamingo. Apparently he can't focus on two feet causing him to loudly throw one foot behind him (where i'm standing) looking for a place to rest his tired left leg. He continued to switch feet every 34 seconds (i counted) whilst i tried to avoid serious injury. From now on i'm going to cover myself at the slightest inclination of rain, maybe even when it's cloudy.